"Bonaroo Kanye" Cries a River into His MacBook Air (ala Lewis Black)

For those just hearing about this, Kanye West went on two hours late for his set at the recent Bonaroo Festival in TN, pissing off a bunch of attendees who loudly vocalized their anger about it all sorts of publicly. Kanye responded to the jabs and bad press about it on his website, and blamed everyone from the "squid brains" among us, to Bonaroo organizers, to Pearl Jam, whom he claims went over their appointed time, to your mom, to my dog….the list is rather endless.

I learned about all this when reading Brooklyn Vegan's post on it (be sure to hit the comments, I was crying laughing), and as I read through Kanye’s rant, I hit the following line:

I HIT THE STAGE AND PEOPLE HAD BEEN THROWING SHIT ON THE STAGE AND HAD ACTUALLY HIT THE JANE SCREEN WITH, I GUESS BOTTLES OR SOMETHING AND HAD BROKEN MY FUCKING SCREEN. REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A SHORTY AND WATER WOULD HIT THE TV??????

Dear readers, I'm going to lift, in blatant Joe-Biden fashion, from the great Lewis Black to hopefully prevent someone's life from ending too soon.

Kayne West, a man clearly in need of many Valium and a long nap, uttered the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life ... He said, 'REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A SHORTY AND WATER WOULD HIT THE TV??????'

I'll repeat that. I'll repeat that because that's the kind of sentence that when you hear it, your brain comes to a screeching halt. And the left hand side of the brain looks at the right hand side and goes, 'It's dark in here, and we may die.'

See, words get in your head, and those words don't go away. But every so often, somethin' like that happens: 'REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A SHORTY AND WATER WOULD HIT THE TV??????' He said, 'REMEMBER WHEN YOU,’ meaning everyone reading, remembering when something happened, some universality that everyone would know about, like life, death, taxes-- WERE A SHORTY, “shorty” being slang for an attractive female--'AND WATER,' that is water, the thing you drink, a liquid- 'WOULD HIT THE TV??????,' as in an electronic device that typically doesn't mix well with water.

So your brain goes, 'LET'S FIGURE IT OUT! Son of a bitch! I wonder what that's about! I wonder, was this post supposed to be read by just women, or more specifically, people who used to be women? No, that makes no sense, the booing populace of Bonaroo couldn't have been just female and trannie hippies, plus, Kanye’s pretty mainstream popular...maybe he means "shorty" as in "young kid? Ok, fine, but then what's up with this collective childhood memory he thinks the readers share with him about tossing water at a tv? Whose childhood had games of aiming water at a tv?? That seems rather dangerous, was he raised by some odd cult? Maybe his parents were nomads and had a tv outside and the hose would hit it when watering the lawn? No wait, I read he's from an upscale family in suburban Chicago....OH MY GOD, WHAT THE @*#! ?!!

The American medical profession doesn't know why we get an aneurysm. It's when a blood vessel bursts in our head for no apparent reason. There's a reason. So don't think about 'REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A SHORTY AND WATER WOULD HIT THE TV?????? for more than three minutes, or blood'll shoot out your nose.